About four months ago, I started seeing a therapist for depression. I put it off longer than I probably should have because I thought myself to be far more emotionally superior to those who had experienced trauma or sexual abuse or personality disorders. Those were the people who needed help. I just needed to get over it. To look at my life on paper, things were going great. Making decent money? Check. Great partner? Check. Exciting friends? Check. Supportive family? Check.
But when acquaintances casually asked me, "Hey, Linds, how's it going?" I felt disgusted with myself when I fired back automatically with, "I'm great. How are you?" or "Hangin' in." The truth is that I felt unstimulated, dragging myself through most days, unable to account for the funk that I was in, and hating myself for not being able to break through it. As it got worse, I cried myself to sleep on many evenings, not knowing how to accept comfort from others. I felt lonely and isolated. After nearly breaking down at work one day, terrified to teach a class for fear that I wouldn't be able to hold it together, I finally realized that maybe it wasn't such a stretch after all for me to talk to someone about the way I was feeling.
I didn't intend for this post to be about me, only to relay how relevant a book like My Depression has been to me, someone who seems so "buttoned-up" (a phrase someone actually used to describe me recently!) on the outside yet often feels a lack of control inside.
Elizabeth Swados, a well-accomplished musician and writer, shares the intimate story of her own depression using a children's book format in My Depression. With simple illustrations and humorous captions, Swados takes us on a 20-minute journey down into her "black hole" and out again. We learn what triggers a depression, how it feels to spiral downward, what it feels like to be in it, and the slow process of climbing out. While many people suffering from depression may relate directly to the feelings expressed in the book, others may gain insight into the lives of affected friends and family members. I learned about the book through my friend, Dan, a psychologist who uses the book to help clients, and their loved ones, connect to and understand the condition. I recommend it to anyone who is interested in taking a closer look at this disease in a refreshingly non-clinical way.
2 comments:
I've heard about this book. I'm going to buy it tomorrow. I just finished a book being published in the fall about a family with two daughters, one of whom is hopitalized for her depression, and how it affects the family dynamic. Because both daughters were still living at home the parents experienced a lot of guilt and helplessness. For those who love someone going through this it's hard to know what to do.
Here's my question: is it possible to be in this world (which is so screwed up in so many ways and the media lets us in on all of them) and not suffer depression at some point in your life? Maybe Dan could tackle that one.
Linds - thanks for this post. I did not realize you were going to get so personal, but then I only need look back at your acupuncture post to know you DO NOT hold back!! -- and that is a good thing. Thanks for putting your emotions into this blog-post so that others can relate, or just share what is often a tough reality to confront.
I think Cathy has a point that it is hard not to suffer depression or at least symptoms of depression in one's life time. I like to think that it is knowing thyself and who one can turn to for supports - where to go when the chips are down, that helps bring us back to a good place.
Thanks for helping us all remember that good days and bad days happen and we can get by.
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